To be comfort with ourselves is getting difficult to do lately. I personally always feel that way. Many thing and mostly environment had ruined my self esteem even since I was little. The older I get the more I tried to get rid of this. I was a shy little girl who used to avoid everything about crowded. I didn’t like to stand in front of many people, my hand shake my heart beat so fast and all I can stare were just my feet and the wall. I didn’t have that confident soul which could lead me to act out of my box. I like to live my imaginary life. Being myself in nowhere world where I didn’t need to shy over everything.
I was that stupid girl at class who got zero for math and cried along the way home. I was that pathetic girl who cried because many friends joke and laugh over me because I was different to them physically. I was that girl who didn’t have courage even just for tying my hair and dress well like others because I didn’t confident to look good. I was that girl who used to adjust the way I walk just because I was taller than other friends. I was that girl who afraid to show off my thoughts in front of my class mates because I think it was not good ideas. I was that girl who preferred bad score for art class just because I was too shy to sing a song in front of my friends. I was that pathetic. I was too afraid of prejudice till I couldn’t be myself.
I was a victim of bullying. The way some of friends and people treated me bad through their words and acts was sort of bullying. However it was many years ago when people around didn’t even recognize the term of bullying like nowadays. In the other hand, the adult used to ignore it and consider it as a part of children’s joke. But, to be honest the effects of being bullied was traumatized. I always remember how bad I was in the joke of my friend used to laugh at. The memory of being bullied is never fade and somehow it determines how the future life looks and at the same time it lead you to who you supposed to be.
People said get out of your comfort zone. But it was not that easy as step out of your room and stay outside. It took a long process for me. It wasn’t comfort at all to be that kind of little girl. I waited for my turn to change but one thing that I realized that the change didn’t come by the chance but the chance itself came by the change. When you are willing to change there will be million opportunities ahead. The struggle was real and the demon was myself not my friends. Every time I tried to step out of my comfort zone, defeat my own fear of, I always feel like myself cried and beg me not to do it in order to stay safe from being judge. It used to be like that for every fear I tried to defeat. I came to the point where I was very eager to defeat myself. I challenged myself for every fear, for every judgment that people made. I was able to defeat it step by step and I arrived at the point where I was really out of my comfort zone and got small win after all. I feel so overwhelm because I couldn’t believe I made it. The tears of joy from within.
But hey! Did I regret everything? No I didn’t. I am grateful of having that kind of childhood. It shaped who I am today. It took me to where I stand now. Being bullied gave me an overwhelming feeling of getting stronger day by days. I thank them for showing my flaws so that I know what I should do with my life. I am enough with myself; I don’t feel something wrong with God had given. Physically I am completed and no need to shame of it. I am happy because I got chance to prove to my friends that I am different to I used to be. I am no longer a shy little girl who used to cry every time they bully me. I am much stronger now. I always try to be grateful for my life today. The best revenge after all is being success.
However, I have not reached my dreams yet and for me success is when I get what I have dreamed of, make people I love proud of me and I can be useful for many people. So, I have nothing to show off but it doesn’t mean that I am not proud of myself today. I am trying to be grateful for every achievement and progress that I made because it is how life should be after all this time. Remember that life is never going to be the same and so are you. As long as you want to change there must be the way. Don’t show them that you are stronger from the outside, show them you are far better than them in and out after all this time.