#2 UNDESERVING

Mutsla Qanitah
Karya Mutsla Qanitah Kategori Catatan Harian
dipublikasikan 30 September 2016
#2 UNDESERVING

Two months and I’m still lacking.

Nope, I’m not being a pessimist. In fact, I’m too proud of myself to ever apply the phrase of ‘merendah untuk meninggi’. The thing is (and since this is supposed to be a retrospection writing), I tried to look into myself this past two months and the only thing I can come up with is that very sentence, which is simply the truth. I did nothing in September. I didn’t develop as much I would like to. I made a lot of plans in the beginning and yet in the end of the day, I accomplished very little of it. This makes me wonder if I truly deserve to be here. I’m not saying that RK took the wrong step of choosing me. I’m saying that I didn’t succeed (yet) to proof my worth. To this institution, to my lovely supervisor, to my parents, to Him. But most of all, I failed to proof my insecure side wrong. And yes, I can bet all my money (which is not much anyway haha) that every participant of RK had insecurities when they first got here. It’s natural to worry over uncertainty of tomorrow, is it not? It’s very human to wonder if you would be strong enough to survive.

This month also made realize one thing that I keep forgetting: my too-easy-going-for-my-own-good and rebellious streaks. I came late to a few of dorm agendas. Just a few minutes, but still. I learnt that to reach one of my goals (which is Mutsla yang disiplin), I need to be hard on myself. Harder than I am on me right now. I came 3 minutes late because I was 3 minutes softer to myself. One of my supervisors told me: bisa jadi ini bukan salah siapa-siapa. Bisa jadi hati kaliannya aja yang penyakitan. At that time I was like, ouch. That hurt like hell. It hurt because it’s true. Hearts are, by nature, weak. And if not for the fact that we indeed have to keep asking for Him to make our hearts firm on His way, I would’ve hated myself. I would’ve been filled with so much self-doubt that I’d drown in gloominess for days. I would’ve kept questioning myself of my lack of, well, everything good.

To be perfectly honest, I did feel a tiny bit of those feelings hahaha. I can’t help it. I have a friend who applied for RK and is definitely better than me (especially in time management), but she wasn’t accepted. I know that this is fate we’re talking about, but I also can’t help feeling like she should’ve been here instead of me. I kmow she didn’t regret it and we both believe Allah has a better plan for her but you get what I’m talking about, right? I just can’t help it. There were times when the urge to give up is so strong it’s almost overwhelming. But every single time, I don’t have it in me to give up. Not now, not ever. I promised myself I’m going to finish what I started. My TMA result shows black circle in the middle of the diagram, which means I don’t have strong inner motivation, that I need people and system to constantly remind me to stay on the track. This is the very reason I chose to be ‘hurt’ in RK at the first place. Then again, diamonds will never be diamonds without the pressure and the torture, right?

So there’s nothing left for me to do but proofing that I deserve my title as a Tiara. That I will come out at the other end stronger, wiser, and much, much better.

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